Attention all dachshund owners, I have a piece of knowledge I have gathered over the last two years of living with a small furry dictator that is vital I share with you:
You’re doing exactly what your sausage dog wants you to do, you just don’t know it.
If there was a hierarchy of the dog world, the dachshund would sit at the top because they are not actually dogs, they’re humans wearing small fur coats.
Deep down, the number one trait of a dachshunds is deception, but they hide it all behind their puppy dog eyes that look into the depths of your soul.
Admitting they are adorable was your first mistake. Now they’ve got you in their tiny little wrinkly paws (that somehow get them around at record speed). And they’ve got you good.
Still don’t believe me? Here are the 12 signs dachshunds are the evil geniuses of the dog world:
1. They won’t do things they 100 per cent know how to do, just to embarrass you.
Taking a dachshund to puppy school is a useless activity because it will only make you look like a crazy person.
“BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO SIT,” you will insist to the trainer.
“It’s okay if your dog doesn’t do things on command because that’s why they are here,” the trainer will reply.
You cannot deny that this is when your dog looks the cutest. When they stare at you with their big eyes, and you stare back into theirs, you can surely feel a strong connection. Your dog wants your attention, and you must give it some. A treat or a loving scratch or both should do the trick for you.
Yet in the time you’ve taken to get your dachshund home, they’ve probably mastered a backflip.
Every time that your dog barks, whines, growls, yelps, and makes other attempts to converse with you, don’t you feel like you are missing out on so much of dog-talk? Dogs make noises to express their emotions, and every pet owner wants to understand them. A study has even gone on to say that dogs bark only for us humans and not to communicate with other canines. Not just with sounds, your dog tries to tell you many things through gestures and its body language too.
Thankfully, you are at the right place, and now you are about to learn how to interpret those signals your dog sends you. Brace yourself for a course in dog lingo which would bring you closer to your pet.
2. They take up your entire bed, despite being a fraction of your size.
If you’ve ever tried to sleep with a dachshund, you will know all too well they somehow manage to take up the entire bed despite being… tiny.
They’ve mastered sleeping horizontally, forcing you to the edge of the bed, to the point where you’re probably going to fall off.
It must be mathematically impossible but they’ve obviously figured it out.
3. They don’t play with other dogs at the park, they observe them.
Dachshunds don’t ‘play’. They ‘observe’. Other dogs are beneath them.
They laugh at them when they follow orders from their owners. ‘FOOLS!’ they scream in their tiny heads.
The other dogs try to come up to them and encourage them to play, sometimes they bring them gifts in the form of sticks.
Still, nothing works while they are perched up on a bench, away from all of the other ordinary dogs playing on the grass.
Grass is for peasants. Dachshunds sit high above with the humans.
4. They pretend they’re sleeping, unless you’re giving them something they want.
A dachshund is sound asleep, usually on their back or in a crevice on your body you didn’t know existed, until they are triggered.
Trigger words include “walk” and “food”.
Do not summon them otherwise, your attempts will be futile.
5. They foil all of your attempts to put them on a diet.
Speaking of food. They have diet food because sausage dogs are perpetually overweight. They just don’t… eat it.
Dachshunds much prefer your dinner because it is superior. They will only eat their diet dog food in dire circumstances, like when they can’t convince you to share your plate.
6. They will snipe at other dogs then pretend they didn’t do anything.
“Looks at me, look, look, look I’m over here. Now I’m here. Over here. Now I’m biting your nose.”
As soon as another dog gets fed up with their sh*t and barks, growls, or tries to bite, the dachshund calls on a human for back up.
“I didn’t do anything,” their tiny little faces insist. But you both know the truth.
7. They will let you dress them in silly little clothes, but it hurts their pride.
Yes, they will let you dress them up in little tutus for their birthday and coats in winter because surely they are cold.
They will let you put t-shirts on them with silly slogans like “Merry Christmas B*tches”.
But will they like it? No. And they will let their feelings be known in the form of a death stare.
8. They will ignore you when you tell them something they don’t like.
If they are in trouble, dachshunds turn on their selective hearing and run in the other direction.
If you really have a go at them (like when they’re destroying your favourite cushion and scattering the remains across the living room) they will take it a step further by ignoring you and denying you cuddles.
All of a sudden, your sausage dog has you begging them instead of the other way around.
Well played sausage dogs, well played.
9. They will keep guard of the house against all intruders, not for you, but for themselves.
Dachshunds have a primary position. Usually it’s on a table or couch. While the furniture may change, one things doesn’t.
Their positioning in front of the window.
They keep watch because they are also the neighbourhood watch of the dog world.
They peek through curtains and blinds and know what everyone is doing and why. Always.
10. They will play outside when you send them to the toilet and take a dump in the house later.
You let your dachshund outside to do their business but all they want to do is sniff, assess and pretend like you’re not watching them.
They always have one eye on you, but will pretend like you do not exist.
This will go on for extended lengths of time.
“They don’t need to go,” you assure yourself.
You let them inside and close the door.
I guarantee within approximately one minute, you have a turd in your bedroom.
Just good luck finding it.
11. They think you’re an awful driver and they should be given the steering wheel.
If your dachshund could be driving you around instead of visa versa, they would.
It’s just their paws are just too damn small and they can’t get their tiny legs around the wheel.
But oh, that won’t stop them from trying.
12. They have somehow learnt to bark at a decibel that probably hasn’t been recorded yet.
Surely it is impossible for such a small dog to bark louder than a full sized one?
But somehow, dachshunds have discovered a way to bark at a range that is higher than all other dog breeds.
A sausage dog could probably communicate with a sausage dog on the other side of the world.
It’s all part of their plan. Their plan for world domination.
Beware humans, the dachshunds are coming.